Live from the Hovel on the Hill

Movin' to video!

2006-04-10T12:34:00.000-04:00

Click here to see and listen to: Adventures of the Lone Dad: Arctic Ocean Mission, No.01

This blog is now a Video blog! Talk about your modern convieniences!(or inconviencies) The series "Adventures of the Lone Dad: Live from the Hovel on the Hill" has ended.
The new series "Adventures of the Lone Dad: Arctic Ocean Mission" has begun and is earning overwhelming praise (Well, my Chiropractor liked it anyway...)
There are many ways to see the new Blog. It is available on Itunes, as is Live from the Hovel. Access is also always available through my website
www.prentissgray.com (in the Arctic mission section)
Or you can go direct, without passing "Go" by clicking the link above.
Dont forget to press [subscribe], it's free and that way you won't miss any of the thrilling adventures.

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

Your'e Not a Mom, Dad!

2006-03-24T14:25:00.000-05:00

Click here to listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.25

You’re not a Mom, Dad

One of the really difficult tasks for a single father is to develop social connections. I am not talking about anything even slightly romantic. I am talking about being able to interact with other parents in the same way that “real” moms do. While I am not a mom, I long to discuss the benefits of being able to find the jacket as the school bus arrives, the wonder of a house that is still clean 5 minutes after I finish vacuuming, or the mystery of discovering a dinner everyone likes.
Sadly enough, it is not to be. Something inescapable about me makes it so. I have a two part handicap. I am a guy, and if that isn’t bad enough, I am also a guy from a different world.
The world I used to inhabit was populated with desks, cubicles, computers and co-workers. The world I live in now is populated with unmade beds, Lego, snack foods and hairy pets. This world has a whole set of new rules, new people and is run by Moms. Moms hold the power by living in this world every day as they have for the entire lives of their children. Moms meet and collaborate at school, sporting events, and impromptu play groups and play dates. They have “history”. They have vast experience. They are a tight nit society of powerful home management executives. They even understand the arcane science of coupon dates and ‘buy 4 get one free’ specials. They react coolly to some new-comer, yokel “guy” who shows up at “pickup time”, and says:
“Hi, I’m a stay at home dad, are you my assigned friends? Say, which vacuum sucks the most?” No matter how sweetly It’s said.
I could insist that I’m a “mom” too, but I’m not. I’m a displaced dad. I don’t have “history”, (well I do have some, but it’s mostly academic, gained from hearsay, over a drink, at the end of a long day in the other world). I am not part of the order of “Moms”. Not to say that Moms in general aren’t a very sweet and helpful group. They are. It’s just that they have all the experience. I am like a guy “just off the boat”, wearing underwear on his head, with his pants on backwards, asking if he is buying enough butter. I don’t need butter, I need a clue!
The second part of the handicap is I belong to the wrong sex. It didn’t matter in my old world, I was a co-worker.
As we all know, or are least willing to swear in court, co-workers do not have a specific sex, by law. In that world, I worked with the people I encountered at different jobs or projects. If I had the bad taste to deal with them on the basis of color, creed or sex I would have had an immediate interview with a less than understanding executive in human resources. This would be followed shortly by the cold wind of the outside door closing behind me.
In the world of “Mommyland”, the sex of the inhabitants counts, a lot. In this world “impropriety tracking” eyebrows flare violently at the mere mention of a guy spending time with any mom he is not specifically married to. It doesn’t matter if you are talking about lost shoes, are draped with sticky children or discussing the best method of removing cat pee. Time spent with a mom, by a “guy” is suspicious, by law. Making friends with a “mom” is a dangerous activity and calls for immediate discussion by the “Moms Guild”.
I will have to get some kind of special dispensation from the Mom’s Guild, an official button or something that says “I don’t want sex; I want less food on the floor”.
Until that happens, I will be restricted to lurking near enough to overhear key conversations on spot removal or effective methods of discipline or maybe even Pop Tart logistics.
If there is a point to this discussion, it came from one of my readers. He, yet another single father, asked if I had figured out how to make social connections for information, friendship and support. I have thought about that question a lot. I haven’t tried it yet, but you might get a wig and a dress, and go undercover. If you get stuck for conversation, talk about how bad you look and how fat you are and above all, blend, baby, blend! If you are caught or killed during this mission, I will disavow any knowledge of your activities.

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

Communicating with Boys

2006-03-16T14:08:00.000-05:00

Click here to listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.24

(apostrophes and quotes back by popular demand! (Kind of glad to be off that website))

Communicating with boys
My oldest son has asked that I only “Text message” him on his phone.
“I don’t want to be disturbed in class” he said. I have never called him during school. It could be because he knows that it takes so long for me to type something on a phone that by the time I’m finished, he will have graduated.
Recently he had an audition at a prestigious university. I say prestigious because there is still a chance that he might get in. Not that I would know for sure either way, or even have enough information for hope or despair.
However, I did get hourly bulletins on the proceedings, via nasty text messaging on my cell phone. He sent:
First message: “I am at the school”
Second message, 1 hour later: “I just finished the theory test”
Third message, 2 hours later: “I am leaving now”

What? He’s leaving? What about the audition? There seem to be a few pertinent details missing! Then my phone actually rang, and it was him, coming down to my “voice operated” level.
“Hi! How did it go?”
“What?”
“The audition!”
“Which one?”
“Either….both ….as many as there were. Just tell me what happened!”
“It was cool. I liked the jazz band better that the classical group….”
“What did they think of you?”
“I don’t know, they were pretty stone faced….”
“Did you ask them how you did?”
“No.”
No? He drives all the way to Philadelphia, risking his life and limb and my nerves, and he doesn’t even ask them how he did?
“Put your phone on speaker, I’ll ask them”
“I left dad.”
“Go back!”
“Sorry, gotta go. My train is coming, or bus or whatever…..Bye”
Stone faced? What does ‘stone faced’ mean? Did they have a rough night? Did they look that way before he sang? I don’t think I am going to be satisfied unless I call the judges at home.
He is not my only communications problem, though. It might be all boys. The very night that my oldest took off for Philly, I turned to my two “leftover” sons and said:
“Ok, I will be leaving for the city soon, Dinner is on the table.”
“What! What? Where are you going?” Said my youngest, eyes threatening to ‘well up’ with tears.
“I am going in to see a show, I have been telling you all week, remember?” No, of course not. It wasn’t something Sponge Bob said, so why pay any attention at all?
“You did not!” he accused me vehemently. “What about us? What will we do?”
Before I even got a chance to point out that we get 200 channels in addition to Cartoon network and have every game system known to man, my middle son came rushing in.
“What’s happening, what’s going on?”
“Dad’s leaving us, (sniff, sniff) to go into the city!”
“What! You are? Well, I guess “the older brother” will get to beat us up all night, like he usually does.”
“He left for his audition in Philly. You just said goodbye to him!” Instead of considering that interesting fact for a moment, he decided to go right to panic instead.
“You mean we are going to be all alone?” he looked like the house was on fire and all the doors were locked.
“Guys, I have been telling you all week. This is the night where you take care of the dogs and have….”
“Wait! Wait!” Said my middle son. “Is this the night we have Burger King?!!”
“Yes….”
“Bye Dad!”
“Bye Dad! …..I’ll call you, lots of times!”
I looked at the two “lost boys” attacking the fast food, and said:
“Why don’t you just text message me instead?”

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

Pasty White Guy

2006-03-09T12:03:00.000-05:00

Click here to listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.23

(apostrophes and quotes removed on purpose, ...its complicated....)

Pasty white guy
Here in the wild, wild west everything has an Indian name. They have their own regular names of course, but wisdom and experience earns them a special Indian name. Sitting bull, Crazy horse and Yellow hair were all names given to men of extraordinary influence and personal power. Luckily, K-mart was having an end of the season 2 for 1 on Indian names. I have my choice of Pasty white guy or Rubber legs.
Lately, I am too stiff for Rubber legs. When I get off my horse at the end of the day and walk back to my cabin, I resemble someone who is straddling a barrel. There are ways to relieve this. The first day I took a hot shower. The second day I needed a hot shower and two Motrin. By the third day I was really starting to become a real cowboy, so I needed the shower, 4 Motrin, two bourbons and my three boys just to get up on to the porch. I have to call the airline to check on special seating for the bow legged.
I never notice the damage as I ride silently through the pines or splash across the rivers and streams. It is so peaceful and serene here. Only the mountain wind and the bickering of my own sweet children break the peace.
I’m telling Dad!
What? What did I do? Dad! Dad!

I wish the wind was a little louder.

The days here on the ranch start early, and fast. Breakfast at 7:30. That is about mid morning for me. I usually get up around 6 to write. However, these days I am up at 5:30 to get the boys out of bed by 7:00. I am learning many of the things cowboys need to know; How to trot without hurting either the horses back or my own, how to lope without shooting out of my saddle and in to the tall western pines and how to pick up the entire cabin before the housekeeping staff gets there.
We are in one of about 10 cabins on the ranch. It is small, neat and very comfortable. There are about 40 guests staying the week, and a huge staff to take care of them all. I have been to guest ranches before but this staff is exceptional.
The people who handle the horses and the unsteady guests on them are called wranglers. My earlier experience with wranglers is that they are men of vast western riding experience. I could always tell by the deep tans, missing fingers, limping walks and hard plastic back braces that these were men that knew everything there was to know about horses. They had names like Buck, Bill and Quirt. Their life's summers were spent breaking horses, riding in rodeos and going to the hospital. Their winters spent riding through the deep south west, wintering horses and cattle and seeing bone and joint specialists.
The wranglers here are a bit different. The one I rode with today name was Renwick. He has a construction supply business in Pennsylvania, and moved here to retire. He spends his summers coaching guests in riding and winters as a ski instructor. He gets a little sore sometimes but recommends Glucosamine.
One of critical elements that make up a great guest ranch is the kitchen. After a long hard morning of picking up dirty clothes or at the end of a day of riding though country so beautiful that it makes me feel old and smelly, a great meal brings everything into perspective. A long time ago I was told by a ranch hand that all the day’s sores would be relieved by This here bag of dried beans and bacon, messed wit a little crik water, and a shot of ol’ Pete, for starters, the bag and the bottle of Ol Pete had been gently warmed on the rump of his horse all day. As startling as that ‘real western’ dinner was, I think prefer the pork chops stuffed with shitake mushrooms, and the Pinot Grigio we had last night.
Lunches and dinners might be extraordinary here, but the breakfasts are amazing. Cooked to order, delivered lighting fast and always exceptional. Before I can finish saying I’ll have the pancakes, there they are steaming up at me from the plate. A sharp contrast from one of the places we stopped on the long drive from Salt Lake City. There my ham and cheese sandwich took long enough for the waitresses to compare shoes by trying each other’s on, discuss the shortcoming of each and every other staff member in the restaurant and then go for a smoke in the parking lot. Not so bad really, I passed the time watching my 15-year-olds beard come in.

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

The Garbage Out

2006-03-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

Click here to listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.22

(apostrophes and quotes removed on purpose, ...its complicated....)

The garbage out

Every once in a great while, one of your children does something so unexpected and spectacular, it takes your breath away. Ok, maybe I just hold my breath for a long time hoping that it wont turn out to be something really bad that I just mistook for something good. Like my son racing to the store to get something I desperately need to finish dinner and coming home triumphant, but with a policeman stuck to the bumper.
Im not talking about parting the red sea though, or even parting his hair (although, that would be nice too). I am referring to the little things that make up the substance of the universe, such as taking the garbage up to the curb when no one else thought to. This one lone deed wipes out a multitude of great sins. This selfless act, done while his family slept peacefully, unaware of the impending tragedy, marks a mighty step into manhood. Of course it might have been a plan to get more cash out of me in the morning, but so what! Its still very cool.
For me, the full impact of this historic event, began the week before. Due to the crippling disease of forgetfulness we missed getting the trash up to the curb for garbage night. For a week we toyed with the idea of tracking garbage trucks surreptitiously, waiting our chance to lure them unsuspecting to our trash. This mission was so fraught with peril, that we determined that we were too chicken to do it, besides my oldest has the van all day and who wants to try to sneak garbage around in their sporty compact.
Meanwhile our mistake was exposed to the world. Garbage was showing in the front or our house! It was peeking out the top of the cans, boldly lolling around the front of the garage (although, every time we open the garage door, most of our neighbors are of the opinion that we are running a garbage dump). In fact some neighbors have asked to bring their garbage over to our pile, because they are having company.

Your house is such a dump anyway, who would notice?

Its not a dump! Its eclectic. I feel very sad for people who lack inner vision.

So, there we were, ripe for a final end to our week long trial, and yet poised for disaster. It’s not as if we had not been reminded many times as well as discussing it among ourselves. It must have been one of those instances where you have all been reminded so much that you subconscious just represses the whole subject. What the Germans call Furgottududen. It didnt occur to me until the next morning at the crucial minute, 6:05am, when I was struck by what we Americans call Garbage panic. Thats when the lilting notes of the garbage crusher can be heard wafting through the neighborhood as it consumes all our non-eclectic neighbor’s garbage.
Racing to the kitchen with thoughts of shooting up the driveway with two fully loaded cans in each hand, in my bare feet, in the dark, alone against town policy and yet another week of shame, I saw the vision. Through the front window I could see them at the top of my driveway, the Generals of Refuse Removal, and what were they doing? They were lifting my cans and dumping them into the truck! The crusher munched, the engine roared, moving the sainted truck off to remove the shame from anothers door. I rejoiced in my savior and resolved to let him sleep an extra five minutes this morning. Of course that would mean all the more yelling when the big lump did finally have to get out of bed, but whats that against this deed of pure goodness?
Instead of waking him up, I wrote this poem in his honor

Who produces a pass when its time for Gym class!
Number One Son!
Who is a bully, a liar and sets things on fire?
Number One Son!
Who probably hauled the trash just to suck up some cash?
Number One Son!
He finagles his life, and work he despises
He considers only himself, with no compromises
He lies like a lump, without a hint of surprises
But in the darkest dawn, to the occasion he rises
Number One Son!

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

Mental Health Day

2006-02-23T10:51:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.21

(apostrophes and quotes removed on purpose, ...its complicated....)

Mental health day

Heres some good advice, never give a son a mental health day, especially when you have more than one son. Not if you dont want to spend the rest of your life explaining to the others, why today is not a mental health day.
I have no idea where the concept came from, or even why suddenly I have to deal with it. If it was likely I might get one then, maybe it would be worth it. But Im not, so it isnt.
My 15 year old mentioned the whole mental health day issue to me, in whining terms, the first day after spring vacation. Absolutely, that is when a young mans mental health is most threatened; after a week of lying on the couch and video gaming his brains out.
I gave his suggestion due consideration, looked at it from every side, weighed the pro and cons and then threw him out the door on to the bus. It did wonders for my mental health.
Unfortunately the idea was still hanging around for the next three weeks, darkening each night, clouding up breakfast and generally threatening to become the main focus of every conversation. So, I though about it some more, counted up the days he had actually been absent from school, calculated the time of least impact and gave in.
Thats when the second front began. It was just like the story of the little Dutch boy, except I had pulled my finger from the dike for a second. Whistling and walking away were no longer an option. The water was coming through and it was time to look for scuba gear.
My youngest was appalled. How did this happen? For years he had tried every conceivable disease, every delaying tactic. He had even tried holding on to the kitchen table and when that failed, running for the hills. And here, his brother has accomplished the impossible, a full and free day home from school, with a mere mention of mental health.
His campaign began immediately. He whined. He threatened. He exhibited every sign of insanity he could think of, and then researched the internet for more. He told me that the unfairness of the situation had caused him to have a split personality, and now he needed two Mental health days.
I told him he had a problem. I pointed out that he had already taken more than his fair share of days, and that any more could result in a mental health year while he repeated the fourth grade. Unfortunately, it was risk he was willing to take.
Pretty soon his attacks broke down into 3 categories. The oh, Please, please, P l e s e! ploy, the This is so unfair! I hate you! frontal assault and the desperate You promised! attack from the rear. I thought I was holding up pretty well. But like his brother, he was relentless.

Dad, this is your last chance. I am taking a mental health day tomorrow.

Tomorrows no good, going to rain all day. What about some time in July?

Thats summer vacation!

Not for you, Im planning on getting you a tutor.

Thats it! I hate you forever! Good bye!

Good for you. I hate me too! I stink!

I mean it! I’m leaving home!

Ok. Hey, take one of these smelly dogs with you will ya? You might get hungry.

Dad!

Somehow, he felt that his room was sufficiently far enough to have left home. Still, I folded about a week later, for reasons of mental health, mine.

This is the last one ever. Period, never again.

What! I get one a year! That’s the deal!

Yes, one a year, after your 26th birthday.

Dad!

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

Valentines

2006-02-14T11:48:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.20

(apostrophes and quotes removed on purpose, ...its complicated....)

Valentines Day

Here it comes. The day of hearts and flowers, the day of hundreds of tiny scrawled out cards, the day on which 17 tiny bags of candy hearts come home to attack our teeth. Cupid is leading the charge, bow drawn and ready to shoot deep into my wallet. The grocery stores have filled up with pink hearts and sappy cards. However, hiding just underneath it all, are pink, green and blue foil wrapped chocolate eggs. Unless Cupid is really careful, he may hit the Easter bunny. Its all part of the endless circle of holidays.
As far as cost goes, Valentines day is pretty minor, even with spending 4 dollars for a card (four dollars?). I can judge the expense of a holiday by how many boxes we have stored for it in the basement.
Fourth of July, one small box. - Hot dogs and fire works, no big deal on cost here.
Easter, one big box. - Three Easter baskets to be filled. Possible presents. (who authorized the Easter bunny to go around giving people presents?)
Hallowen, two big boxes. - Some dry ice, many bags of candy, lots of soda and wine, snacks and possibly some extra costume parts. Substantial, but hardly devastating.
Christmas 6 big boxes - The Daddy Warbucks of holidays. If I can afford Christmas, I am probably asleep and dreaming.
I think we all have our own reasons for celebrating Valentines day. Some see it as a re-affirmation of a long love, some hope for the promise of new love, some, like my youngest, are hoping for larger bags of candy hearts this year. But who was Valentine, and how did all this card passing start? I actually did some research and one story is that Valentine was a roman priest, in the time of Emperor Claudius. Claudius felt that army enrollment was down due to all the young men getting married. Being the emperor, he abolished marriage and waited for the volunteerism to pickup again. Unfortunately, a few priests like Valentine went about marrying people anyway. Needles to say, Claudius decreed that 10 or so of his centurions would help Valentine find the jail. After receiving a merciful sentence of death by clubbing, Valentine wrote a note to a girl he liked, signing it from your Valentine. We all found that so touching we have been signing notes to our loved ones that way ever since.

The other story is that during this time in February, the people of Rome celebrated the festival of Lupercalia. It was basically a spring festival, a celebration of planting, new growth, fertility and general naughtiness. One of the features of the festival was to have all the eligible women in town put their names in a jar and the bachelors would pick them out. The new couple would then spend the next year together having sort of a learners permit marriage. Although a large percentage of these temporary unions would end in a real marriage, the Pope took a dim view of this practice. Once again by Roman decree, it was announced that, while there didnt have to be any actual clubbing this time(at least none was recorded), everyone was just going to send cards instead. To provide an excellent example to all, the church produced the story of Saint Valentine, who died right after writing the first valentine card, in a romantic (although painful) way, totally bereft of any naughtiness.
To me as a parent, Valentines Day means I need a class list, because no one in my eight year old’s class can be missed. Even if one of his classmates is beating the tar out of him every day at recess, the psychological blow from not getting a paper-tag valentine with Scooby Doo on it, could result in a life misspent or prison. When I was in school, in some grades later than third, I remember Valentines day being a very nervous time, fraught with the danger of getting your valentine rejected, or not getting any Valentines at all. Consequently, I highly approve of everyone getting and giving valentines, even if prison time is indicated.
Once I get the list, then comes the big choice; does he write the cards or do I? Meaning, does it take three days or 10 minutes. I think he should do the cards and bag the candy. So, we will sit for hours at a kitchen table that is littered with little square Valentines, small individual bags and one greedy dogs tongue(fishing for a possible lost Necco heart or Hersey kiss), while I encourage him not to eat all the candy himself. I will also create a few valentines for my sons and they will make some for me(Probably right after they wake up and see theirs, tommorow morning).

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

How to ignore necessary repairs

2006-02-09T15:00:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.19

(apostrophes and quotes removed on purpose, ...its complicated....)

How to ignore necessary repairs

I need things that dont breakdown, dont wear out, and dont whine no matter how I mistreat them. The old phrase With a house, there is always something has always made me long for that house. With my house there is always at least two or three somethings, and sometimes as many as 9 or 10.
I treat these somethings in three different ways. There are the things I pointedly ignore, like the stains on the ceiling tiles down stairs. They have no business being stained. Ive replaced them three times and re-done all the bathrooms at least once. Im not replacing them again until all of the boys either leave the house or stop taking showers that make the bathroom floor a swimming pool.
There are the somethings that I just forget about until I see them again. I can see them 3 times a day, but I still have no problem having them disappear from my mind as soon as I look away. This is because either they are too expensive to remedy without a big raise or a stiff drink (the tattered carpet in the dining room), require too much time and effort(cleaning the storage room floor in the basement), or the potential for a horrible realization is too terrifying to contemplate (the suspicious blurp-blurping sound the drains make down stairs when they dont think anyone is listening).
Finally, there are the things that I do get around to fixing or doing something about. What qualifies something to be gotten around to is either an opportune moment or this thing/condition/dilemma has gotten so bad I just cant ignore it any more. The best and most recent example of this is my cleaning of the garage.
I could not get from one end to the other with out using all my hands and feet, like a mountain climber negotiating a crevasse. Even though this required an entire Sunday and half of the following Monday, I toiled relentlessly against years of happy neglect. I can see the floor now, or at least I could until my son covered it with seats from the van.

Hey! What are all these car seats doing here? I asked in a hurt and stunned voice. He had whizzed in and clogged up my Opus Cleanus!

I want to see what my car is like without all the seats crowding it up.
Often, there are so many things wrong with a spoken sentence from my son, I have to work hard to focus on the most offensive part. I found the words my car made this very difficult.

Excuse me, what if I want to see what MY workshop is like without all MY CAR’s seats crowding it up? I countered.

Come on dad, this is a garage, It’s supposed to have car stuff in it. It must be tough being saddled with such a backward father.

Did you say Garage? I think you meant Alternative storage and work area. We dont have a garage. If we did, we would keep cars in it. I dont see any cars in here, do you? Nope, therefore you must remove these seats and put them back in MY CAR(Mine, mine, mine)and give up these foolish dreams of Garages and seatless vehicles.

Keeping ahead of three boys in repairs is not easy. Just keeping the house from falling down or the neighbors from feeling it might, is not easy. My house needs paint. So, much so, that I caught it trying to look appealing to the painters when they were working on the house next door. There were definite signs of come paint me rays emanating from my house. Needles to say the painters were un-seduced. Having the house painted is one of those things I avoid by saying yes, Ill get that done right after I re-do the trim that need replacing or something like that. I often build little domino trains in my mind of things that need to be done first before I get to the real problem.
Its the same with the front yard. Cant fix the front walk until I decide what to do with the garden, cant decide what to do with the garden until I get retaining walls in. Cant get retaining walls in, until it stops snowing for a minute or two.
However, instead of redoing the front yard, what if I just went with the whole Cannery row/ Couch on the front porch, refrigerators sprinkled around the yard, look? Already have a couple of extra car seats for the lawn. It would make a bold statement and no one would notice the paint, they would be too busy lighting torches and shouldering sharp farm implements for a midnight visit to the Grays.

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

It's never really over

2006-02-02T12:57:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.18

(apostrophes and quotes removed on purpose, ...its complicated....)

Its never really over

Anyone who has owned a house, or shared one with a bank, knows the danger of fixing things. When I worked in the world of gigantic corporations, we always were looking for the root of the problem. The best advice I have for home owners everywhere, is that when you have a problem, don’t look for the root, move a large piece of furniture in front of it, paint over it or sell the house immediately.
Recently, we had a small problem at Chateau Gray, the septic system failed. The system in question, no longer available for comment, was comprised of a long metal pipe that ran invisibly under the ground, to an even more undetectable concrete tank. As it was explained to me, everything that - goes down the drain - in the house, dish water, GI Joes, and lost home work sheets, all travel through the pipe and then are forever magically hidden from view.
When this system failed, we figured we had three choices. First, we could get a truck load of watertight boxes and tape, then UPS what was meant for the magical tank in the backyard to the deserving peoples and companies of the world; a smelly job, but possibly very satisfying. Second, we could ignore the problem and go to the YMCA or the neighbors with our dishes and bathroom needs. We could then turn the toilets and tubs into large, self-watering planters. Third, we could bring in the magicians and wizards of waste and Fix the problem; It was the least inviting solution.
So, ignoring the talents of a really good UPS man and putting aside the invention of the world’s first shoulder mounted dish rack; the Domestic Shower Goddess; just shower your dirty dishes away! We bravely(foolishly) decided to do the right thing. Now we have to live with it.
Of course, on planet earth, doing the right thing is always the hardest path to follow. Its fraught with trips to local engineering offices (for two different towns) with large checks, contractor negotiations (begging sessions) and dodging matches with dueling backhoes. It also entails living like the early settlers of our fair land; without air conditioning.
It didn’t seem like a big deal on a cool, early summer morning. The big outside condenser had to be disconnected and moved. It was in the backhoe’s way. I now know what happens to anything in the way or even near to the intended path of a back hoe, it is crushed, mangled beyond recognition and covered with several layers of fine brown dirt. I wanted to avoid this fate for our beloved air conditioning, so, we had it disconnected and moved a foot back, out of the way. Having it moved back was not very expensive, but it turns out it that making the return trip, over that same foot, cost three times as much to travel. It must be up hill in some way I dont quite perceive.
The day came when the great operation would commence, we had done our best to prepare; we practiced sweating, a lot.
Three days later, we surveyed the masterful work of the wizards of waste and were awed. Our house, a small ranch situated on the side of a hill surrounded by carefully stepped gardens was now the neighborhood ground zero. It looked as if -that wacky writer- had put a crummy old house on a freshly cleared plot of land. Or course there were benefits. Now all those annoying bushes, retaining walls, patios and pachysandra had been replaced by a low maintenance swath of simple brown dirt.
As part of any construction process, the guy with the checks is asked to make decisions. This is where the newly planned sentiment for my tombstone came from - He couldn’t leave well enough alone.
Because one end of a raised concrete walk had to be removed, I determined it probably would be better to take the whole thing out. And because there was some suspicious decay on the front of the house covered by an adjoining patio, maybe it would be better take that out too. I see my error now, what I should have said was - Just take out the whole house, we ll be ok, we have tents.
While it might not be all bare breasts and grass skirts here, it’s not all bad news either. We now have blue water in the toilets, courtesy of a product specially selected from the grocery store and clearly marked - Not safe for septic systems or planets supporting life. May cause blueness of Dog tongues. Showers are longer, we flush with out fear of the sudden return
of the toilet contents, and the action figures are lined up to discover the mysteries of where no plastic man has gone before.

Please visit my website www.prentissgray.com

Bang!

2006-01-26T13:15:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.17

(apostrophes and quotes removed for clarity)
Bang!

What is the best, most splendid, graduation gift ever? Is it an all expense paid trip around the world?
- Look, look the Timbuktu Mc Donalds! Quick get a picture! -
What about an unlimited credit card whose bills go to a forgetful billionaire?
- My, my, a dozen matched surfboards? Now, I wonder what I have done with those?
No. Sorry. All good guesses, but wrong. Its a car; A car from your grandfather. A car that has been so well cared for its entire life, that if I died I would be thrilled to come back as this car.
As soon as I heard the plan, my *Parenty* senses began to tingle. The kind of tingle that comes while you are standing on the train tracks, and from behind, comes the sound of a very loud air horn.

- I just want to take it to the body shop and get it cleaned up first, so its really nice for him.
- Don’t do that Dad. It is fine. It is beautiful. It is too nice as it is.
I am sure it took at least two whole handkerchiefs to get it into shape. At Body shop prices thats probably around $1200.
How does a Dad follow a gift like that? I still dont know but I gave my son an Ipod for graduation. It was very expensive, and thoughtful! As a matter of fact when I bought it, I was very thoughtful about how little affect it would have on my insurance rates.

Bang. It happened. I had been waiting for it. The statistics said it was going to. It was just a matter of time. 50% of drivers under the age of 24 will have an accident. If it is night time, the probability goes up another 20%. For each extra person in the car the odds rise 20% more. Add an additional 20% for each passenger whose underwear is 3 days old. Lets see, that puts him somewhere in the 210% bracket.
I was proud of myself though, I asked the right question first, before all others.
- Was anyone hurt?
- No, I think everyone is ok
- Ok, thats lucky. Now, tell me the truth; How is the Ipod?
Most people ask the right question, first. Then after they find out that no one was hurt, the conversation moves on. Right past the harder questions, like:
- Did you re-register the car before the accident?
Which is a good thing, because the only answer I have for that one is:
- Nah, I was too busy sitting around like the big dirt-bag son I really am!

In all the excitement of getting a car, graduation, parties and end of school trips, we never got around to re-registering the car or changing over the insurance.
Surprise Dad! Think of it as a kind of endless graduation gift. If he survives long enough to graduate from college, would you consider giving him Gum, as a present next time?
I really did not want the accident driving up my 86 year-old fathers rates. However, it turns out no-fault insurance does not quite cover being an idiot, even after begging at the insurance agency.
-Well, I re-registered the car this morning, couldnt we just pretend?
-This is New Jersey. If you try that kind of thing here, the insurance company has the legal right to eat your children.
-Can I pick which one?
To complete this Trifecta of disaster, my son also got a ticket. I am hoping the judge will be reasonable but not too lenient. Driving is a serious responsibility and any accident is a major problem. Besides, I have always hoped to see my own life flashing before my eyes before I see my sons.

The Dining Room Conspiracy

2006-01-17T12:30:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.16

The Dining Room conspiracy
We are on the front lines here at bunker Gray. Down in the trenches with all the mud and blood of constant rebellion. Every day we do battle with convention and tradition, willing ourselves forward in the cause. We wear shorts in the winter. We wear two different colored socks, sometimes on purpose. There is nothing sacred to us.
Today I am looking at the dining room and wondering, what’s it for? Tradition tells us it’s for special occasions, Sunday dinners, and entertaining guests. The nerve of those guests, can’t eat at the kitchen table like the rest of us?
Right now our dining room is filled with keyboards, drums and recording equipment. If we could figure out how to store that giant table somewhere we could really spread out.
This is very like what happened to the living room. My wife was a dogged defender of the living room. She insisted that the living room always be spotless and was reserved for entertaining. Consequently the family never felt comfortable in there. Unfortunately, when guests did come over they always stood around in the kitchen, which left the living room, unlived.
It took a while, but after my wife died, I started to question the wisdom of having one of the largest rooms in the house being the least used. So we changed it. Now it is a game and gathering room. The kids spend most of their down time in there and I can be near them while working in the kitchen. It’s very handy for togetherness and parental mentoring. I am always passing on little tidbits of hard earned wisdom. Things like:
-Turn that down, I’m trying to watch the news here!-
And
-Whose socks are these and what are they doing in the microwave?-
It looks like the dining room is going the same way, racing down the path to usefulness. There is a bigger problem than we had with the living room though. The dining room is chock-a-block full of heirlooms. Big heavy ones.
The table for instance, while it is the perfect place for a train set, it also weighs about 5,000 pounds. It does not come apart. Two men and a mule can push it around but not far enough out of the way to end the menace of breaking your arm during a really expressive “air guitar” session.
Then there are the massive and equally heavy lowboy and highboy. Packed with silver, champagne glasses and special plates that are not allowed in the dish washer. Together they are probably responsible for my house’s nasty heirloom tilt.
I believe that since I was married, those plates have seen the light of day 4 times. The last time, due to a fit of “being in charge”, I decided that it was up to me whether I could actually look at them or not. I drew the shutters, took a quick peek and then put them back immediately, before I got into trouble. It’s probably on my permanent record though.
There is some sense to not using the good glasses and Sunday china willy-nilly, I suppose. Some might even site the example of the time we broke three champagne glasses during an informal High-C soiree.
-Look Dad, I‘m a Viking, Arghhh! Oh sorry! Sorry! Sorry!-
Which just makes me see the sense of drinking out of horns and wooden bowls. If you decide to clop your brother on the head with one, his head may hurt but you still have a working bowl.
This still leaves us with the problem of things we rarely use, taking up more than their fair share of our house. It will not be as easy as the living room. These fine dining things are protected from rebellion by impenetrable force fields of guilt.
Being prisoners of our own paraphernalia, we will have to find a way to coexist. Discover some way to protect and preserve them and still be able to utilize the space for more useful pursuits, like Lego city.
That way when the Queen comes over for a spot of tea, we can say:
-Let’s get out the good things guys! They are over there behind the Star Wars diorama, right next to the Photon torpedoes.-

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com

The Dad of Dissapointment

2006-01-13T10:36:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.15

The Dad of disappointment

Every once in a while I get to really stand out as a parent. Meaning that, I use all my critical timing skills, all my years of hard earned experience and artfully seize the opportunity to disappoint my entire family and a few unprotected friends as well. I have just had one of those glorious moments, and I have no doubt it will be talked about on analyst’s couches for generations to come.
It started with my oldest’s vacation idea. He envisioned an impromptu spring vacation trip to go camping in the woods and then sightseeing in Boston. After three whole trips to that fair city, he feels it is firmly in his masterful grasp. After all, that is probably where he will spend his college years, so obviously he is ready to command an expedition.
As I heard it, the original plan for his trip was to get in the car, fill it up with other adventurous kids and then ask me for gas money. I might have seemed a little ‘cool’ on the original plot. In my doubting parent way, I felt it lacked some of the finer points of preparation necessary to have a fulfilling spring break, like knowing how to get where you are going.
Beyond other minor details like eating and sleeping, I saw two troubling weaknesses in his itinerary. First his “camping” plan involved driving up north and stepping out of the car right into the waiting arms of “mud season”. “Mud season” happens just after the time it’s so cold that your coffee freezes over in mid sip and just before you run screaming through the pines trying to escape the annual spring return of 40 billion tiny, dark and very hungry Black flies.
During “Mud season”, ground that was as hard as granite all winter suddenly has the consistency of tapioca pudding. For locals in the area, it means about a month of trudging through shin deep goo while being rained on. I know, I know, what a wet blanket I am!
My second issue with this happy holiday, was that some of the kids were far younger than 18. Would hotel managers all over Boston greet five very muddy kids with open arms and offer them the presidential suite? Jeez, talk about a doubting daddy!
However, parentally I felt this was one of those times when dropping a cement truck on the whole idea was not the right thing to do.
Instead of playing the part of Snidely Whiplash, I made a suggestion. I wasn’t going to Boston with them but I could “help” with the camping part. We have a house in the north woods, which is know for camping excellence. What if his brothers and I provided a place of refuge for the first part of this soiree? I promised not to be a lead weight around the neck of fun. I swore that if they wanted to camp, they could. I would be nearby, in case someone needed a shower, or stitches or something. Just to provide a friendly face in the event of an encounter with 5 or 6 very hungry bears, fresh from a long winter’s snooze.
My son, being the soul of patience and forbearance, begrudgingly allowed as how the idea might not completely stink. The other parents thought this was a capital plan. If someone else wanted to be trapped in a house with 8 hungry boys for three days in the rain, surrounded by brown goo, they were all for it.
Sounds like a good plan, right? It was, and then the dice started to roll. First, it wasn’t going to be three fun filled days in the woods with actual showers. After I refused to “help” by keeping the rest of his family upstairs, except during designated bathroom times, my son shrank the stay to one night.
Second, a call to a knowledgeable local revealed that the 8 mile road into the house was not just soft and muddy, it was gone. “Might be back by May though….” he added, helpfully.
Faced with taking one son out of school, trucking dogs, cat, gear and food on a 5 hour road tip that ended with a 4 mile walk, for an overnight, I balked. I just didn’t feel that helpful. I told my son it was not worth it, and thereby sealed my doom. He told me he was going to do the Boston part anyway, and my “help” was no longer required.
All my sons are radiating disappointment like lighthouses now. The one who thought he was getting out of three days of school went catatonic midway through my fatherly explanation. Even the dogs are morose and the cat looks at me with suspicion now.
If anyone needs anything, I’ll be hiding in the basement “helping” myself.

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com

Where does my time go?

2006-01-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.14

Useless; my children feel nothing is too good for them and I’m actually holding them back from the childhood they ‘really’ deserve.

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com

What do you do for a living, Dad?

2005-12-30T11:57:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.13

He is now finished understanding and is off to find the Bar, or die trying. Next time I’m saying I work for NASA, changing tires on the space shuttle.

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com

$200 Dollars for dinner

2005-12-21T14:27:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.12

Until the check comes, of course. Then it is time for tears and regrets, accusing glances and wistful sighs over half eaten meals and expensive desserts. What ever happened to the children’s menu? What of the days of a grilled cheese and fries, at $3.95?

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com

The Shopping Man

2005-12-17T11:47:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the hovel on the Hill No.11

Panic filled me. Immediately I stood lookout and made plans for bolting out the back. Lets see, We pull over the potato chip stand to slow down the irate manager, and then fly through the doors by the deli section, dodging past the shocked denizens of the dark and mysterious back of the store.

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com

Giving Away Christmas

2005-12-08T10:01:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the hovel on the Hill No.10

The calls have already started to stream in. Relatives near and far, are slithering along the phone lines, filching all my best ideas.

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com

The Horror of Christmas

2005-12-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the hovel on the Hill No.9

My youngest will have to face the music soon. He will have to stand up with his peers and face the Horror of Christmas.

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com

On the Beach

2005-11-22T10:32:00.000-05:00

Listen to: Live from the hovel on the Hill No.8

I once asked a colleague why he kept pictures of his family on his desk.
As a reminder of why I need to be here, and not fishing. He said.

Please visit my website at www.prentissgray.com