It's never really over

Listen to: Live from the Hovel on the hill, No.18

(apostrophes and quotes removed on purpose, ...its complicated....)

Its never really over

Anyone who has owned a house, or shared one with a bank, knows the danger of fixing things. When I worked in the world of gigantic corporations, we always were looking for the root of the problem. The best advice I have for home owners everywhere, is that when you have a problem, don’t look for the root, move a large piece of furniture in front of it, paint over it or sell the house immediately.
Recently, we had a small problem at Chateau Gray, the septic system failed. The system in question, no longer available for comment, was comprised of a long metal pipe that ran invisibly under the ground, to an even more undetectable concrete tank. As it was explained to me, everything that - goes down the drain - in the house, dish water, GI Joes, and lost home work sheets, all travel through the pipe and then are forever magically hidden from view.
When this system failed, we figured we had three choices. First, we could get a truck load of watertight boxes and tape, then UPS what was meant for the magical tank in the backyard to the deserving peoples and companies of the world; a smelly job, but possibly very satisfying. Second, we could ignore the problem and go to the YMCA or the neighbors with our dishes and bathroom needs. We could then turn the toilets and tubs into large, self-watering planters. Third, we could bring in the magicians and wizards of waste and Fix the problem; It was the least inviting solution.
So, ignoring the talents of a really good UPS man and putting aside the invention of the world’s first shoulder mounted dish rack; the Domestic Shower Goddess; just shower your dirty dishes away! We bravely(foolishly) decided to do the right thing. Now we have to live with it.
Of course, on planet earth, doing the right thing is always the hardest path to follow. Its fraught with trips to local engineering offices (for two different towns) with large checks, contractor negotiations (begging sessions) and dodging matches with dueling backhoes. It also entails living like the early settlers of our fair land; without air conditioning.
It didn’t seem like a big deal on a cool, early summer morning. The big outside condenser had to be disconnected and moved. It was in the backhoe’s way. I now know what happens to anything in the way or even near to the intended path of a back hoe, it is crushed, mangled beyond recognition and covered with several layers of fine brown dirt. I wanted to avoid this fate for our beloved air conditioning, so, we had it disconnected and moved a foot back, out of the way. Having it moved back was not very expensive, but it turns out it that making the return trip, over that same foot, cost three times as much to travel. It must be up hill in some way I dont quite perceive.
The day came when the great operation would commence, we had done our best to prepare; we practiced sweating, a lot.
Three days later, we surveyed the masterful work of the wizards of waste and were awed. Our house, a small ranch situated on the side of a hill surrounded by carefully stepped gardens was now the neighborhood ground zero. It looked as if -that wacky writer- had put a crummy old house on a freshly cleared plot of land. Or course there were benefits. Now all those annoying bushes, retaining walls, patios and pachysandra had been replaced by a low maintenance swath of simple brown dirt.
As part of any construction process, the guy with the checks is asked to make decisions. This is where the newly planned sentiment for my tombstone came from - He couldn’t leave well enough alone.
Because one end of a raised concrete walk had to be removed, I determined it probably would be better to take the whole thing out. And because there was some suspicious decay on the front of the house covered by an adjoining patio, maybe it would be better take that out too. I see my error now, what I should have said was - Just take out the whole house, we ll be ok, we have tents.
While it might not be all bare breasts and grass skirts here, it’s not all bad news either. We now have blue water in the toilets, courtesy of a product specially selected from the grocery store and clearly marked - Not safe for septic systems or planets supporting life. May cause blueness of Dog tongues. Showers are longer, we flush with out fear of the sudden return
of the toilet contents, and the action figures are lined up to discover the mysteries of where no plastic man has gone before.

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